I guess everyone as a volunteer wants to be able to offer as much as they can and have this internal need to help. Giving up Safe Space was against my whole moral philosophy, very much related with my self-worth and I was feeling obliged to give back all this love and knowledge that I received there. I felt very selfish by having to apply this well-known word to all counsellors which is called self-care.
Once I realized that I had no free time at all, I knew it was only Safe Space that I could give up. Then I ignored my tiredness and I kept pushing myself, because I could not deal with the idea of leaving. Then I started getting drained and I spoke to my supervisor in Safe Space about my concerns and is was very liberating…still fighting inside me with doubts and with harsh critique for this horrible person who can’t be perfect and has to abandon her clients.
Slowly slowly I realized that by not keeping well myself, I would end up harming possibly my clients too or pushing myself to the edge. Rational thinking and acceptance came in and I managed to take the decision of leaving.
Through this process I learned that someone inside me had set up very high expectations for me and that not reaching them is not good enough, that leaving equals abandoning, that self is not as important as other people and that my perception of coping is being as functional as other people, but with what criteria could I objectively judge that?
So I take everything as a learning... even my ending and I will keep all the time I spent in Safe Space as one of the most valuable experiences in my life.
Thank you all for being so generously loving!